I have been away for a while. I have not kept the promise I made myself and everyone else, that I would post pretty much every day. Still, I have been away for about three months. But this is not I wanted to write about.
Since I have last posted, a lot of things happened in my personal life. The person I have wrote about many times before I am no longer involved with. I have been really sad since that happened, but not in the way that I would take the time it takes.
Instead I took the chance to experience a few different things, not that I could not before, but it was not on my mind. I was content with what I had, and once I did not have it, I felt even more compelled to go out and date, all the time.
I have really quickly piled up some shit experiences, and on hindsight, the problem ultimately was, I knew I would not like these people, but I went along with it anyway, despite my better judgement.
Later on, I have been luckier and got involved with two people almost at the same time, one of them I knew of for a very long time but have never got to know before, the other one under quite bizarre circumstances I would rather not go into.
I have had a few really happy weeks with this set up until very recently, when one of these, I would say, situations ended very abruptly and the same way all my involvements with guys ended.
I realised I am unable to read other people when I am involved in the situation. If I see other people interacting with each other, I pick up what is happening, many times o suspect even more successfully than most others. However once it is about me as well, I am lost, hopelessly. This difficulty is mostly manageable within friendships, but when it comes to intimate relationships it has every single time ended up in a breakdown so far.
I am trying my best to tackle this but for this I need the cooperation of the other person, but it did not seem to work out so far.
I blame traditional dating rules. I have always told people I got involved with that they need to be completely open with me and constantly communicate what they think and want, because I would not be able to guess. Unfortunately when dating but not in a relationship the opposite is expected most of the time, talking openly is considered to be awkward and genuinely too much.
This has given the upper hand to all partners I had, because they could simply choose to remain silent and when I kept questioning them they decided the situation was too serious and they would leave. What I suppose they did not realise is that I did not need them to be committed, I needed them to be honest.
This same thing happening so many times within a short period left me very sad and quite fragile. I have, however, not figured out how I can do it differently. It leaves me worried for what I have currently and for the future.